To the lost Love 

Dad,I miss you so much sometimes that it feels like my chest will collapse. It’s been a few months since you left, but there hasn't been a day when I haven’t thought of you, just to text you or call you, to talk to you or tell you about something. No matter what I’m doing, I am constantly aware of your absence. No morning dawns or evening falls when I don’t think of you. I am still not able to fathom the reality that you are gone; I had never imagined that there would be a day when I'd be living without you. It is not easy to move on with life when the person you loved so dearly isn’t there. It feels like you've left too soon, there are still so many things I wish I had said or did, but I think I just thought we had forever. If I get a chance, I wish I could put my arms around you and hug you.

I feel this huge emptiness in my heart that no one can ever fill or fix. Not time, not a person, nothing. It’ll always be there because you aren’t here anymore. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad, but this grief I can’t get over. It’s something that will walk beside me every day. It’s an unimaginable pain to get accustomed to. My only comfort is that I know you loved me with everything you had and I know that you fought the hardest battles. I’m so proud of you dad. I hope I’ll do the same. 

Last hours

 I remember when I was lying next to your bed during your final hours, sitting with you, holding your hand, helplessly watching my role model fall in his last battle. Beside your bed, I whispered, dad, you go, I’ll take it from here, you goin peace.  I knew that's what you wanted. And you closed your eyes. I stayed with you, slept next to you, laid down to die beside you. You looked like you were sleeping and my heart was exploding with pain. 

Although I am grateful that you didn’t have to linger long and suffer the way I know so many people do in cancer, but it really dosen't lessen the agony of having you leave.

Your departure was heart aching for so many reasons. I knew i could not pick up the phone and call you any more. There won’t be another vacation that we would share. There won't be a place where I could go to get a hug from You or hear you say how much you love me. I felt as though a piece of me was leaving with you, and I know it really is gone.

I keep trying to tell myself that life is short and we will be together again, but I do not feel any comfort in knowing that. I even know that you are in a better place but that doesn’t lighten the dark loneliness.  

Everyone says that We'll get over you with time, but  it feels like I will never.  you haven’t gone. You’re still here, you’re still alive.  It feels you continue to beat through my heart, You are everywhere , you have transformed , and I’ll see you again. That feels so comforting and right that I don't want to get over you. ( I will not ) Love you forever dad ❤️😭

Union

I am no more looking for the justice

cuz the justice was done when I found you.

Let these tears be of rejoice, not of pain

cuz blessed are the souls that taste Union

The path of heart

“I am coming back” your whispers in the silence of the night purified my heart, cleansed my soul, and created a profound storm in my breast. Those words sang the melodies of Divine Love that I had been craving for ages.

Till this night, I had talked about voyagers of path and their delight of union, but now here I was utterly mute after your words had warmed my soul and your love had wrapped me in its sacred robe.

You left after having turned my entire existence to a living corpse. And I, in a life that was deeper than death, turned to my shivering Soul searching for Love’s ways and course, I turned to my aching heart begging for Love’s essence and core.

The fire that you had kindled in my chest was consuming me in its flames and melting me in its desires. I was feeling your invisible lips, in these hours of solitude and silence, touching my restless soul. I was feeling your unseen hands caressing me and filling me with sweetness of pleasure and bitterness of pain.

While waiting for you to return, I was succumbing to a secret power that was both slaying my being and soothing my heart. Was this the “Love” I had been searching for that was now uncovering its hidden mysteries, concealed for eternities?  Was this the wakefulness that was unrevealing its veiled secrecies, cloaked in the skies for perpetuities?

I was sacredly roused after you had brushed your fingertips on my trembling lips. I had suddenly crossed the seas, climbed the mountains, travelled the deserts, and walked the valleys. I was now ready to voyage the end of the land to breathe the sameness of your breath, to feel the evenness of your touch, and to hear the levelness of your voice. I was now ready to leave the mortal being and burn in the sacred smoke to merge with the GOD of Love.

The noise of the silence was quilting the night, the beating of my chest was filling the skies, and I was waiting for you to extinguish my fire of longing. I stood there waiting for you like a devotee standing at the gates of temple waiting for the Divine permission.

The stillness was finally over and the moment to enter the temple had come. You lifted me to your chest and held me close to your beats. Love consumed my heart in its sacred blaze and I bowed down in the earnest submission. Your look on my face was like a magic cup of wine quenching the enduring thirst of my eyes.

You caressed my hair and touched my fingertips. My tears disclosed the secrets of my heart, my soul stood naked before the silence of your eyes and for the first time I was celebrating the Divine awareness.

You held my face, touched my heart, and hummed the melody of God. I elevated my soul and embraced yours to offer myself to heavenly flames.

You recited the passionate verses in my ears and chanted the prayers of union. I had lived in lament and moaned forever, but tonight, in this silence of night, you had murmured those whispers and made me “Divine” and now the essence of Love was fully awake in me and I had performed the holy ablution. I had finally found the divine permission in your trance-full eyes

Walking on the path of heart, I was now ready to enter the temple.

A Soul-Beyond Control

What will you call the Soul that resists the earthly control to rise above the Heavenly Abode? What will you call the soul that hurls the Laws of ground to stretch its wings on the skies of Love? What will you call the soul that escapes the cage of codes to enter the gates of Divine? 

She had done it all…

You might call her a horrible demon, an eternal sinner, or a vicious criminal, but isn’t this verdict born out of complete ignorance; isn’t this judgement sprouted from spiritual unawareness. Those who have tasted the thorns of this PATH on their naked skin will fathom the difference between her earthly disgrace and heavenly elegance. 

In her Journey from being spiritually hungry to becoming spiritually awakened, finally her silent prayers were answered and the divine closeness was unrevealed. The flames of sacred fire that had been burning her bosom, feeding on her soul was now purifying her like the gold burnt in blaze. She had crossed the battlefield of ignorance and unhooked the chains of blindness. She had shunned the raiment of earthly virtues and shrouded herself with the heavenly disgrace. She had awakened her soul from the mortal slumber and freed her being from the restraints of rituals. She had risen from the grave, submitted to the divinity, and turned into a ‘SINNER’.  She had denied surrendering to falsehood of codes and fled the cage without seeking permission. So, the world that had tried to possess her was obviously not pleased with this SOUL that was BEYOND CONTROL 

She was the protest to the hollowness of the earthly laws, the laws that had tried to curb her spiritual Foundation. She had denounced the rules and violated the customs to attain the Divine Union. She was guided by Love but cursed by creed, she was condemned by Edict but protected by Beloved.  

She was unrestricted, meditating with birds under the beams of moon. She was contented, rejoicing the sagas of whispering brooks. She was limitless, whirling with wind around the daisy fields. 

If you call her a demon, a sinner, or a criminal, then what will you call the Force that stays myopic to the miseries of struggling soul. What will you call the Rule that refuses to discern the flight of shuttering wings? What will you call the LAW that extends its Paws to clutch the divinity of searching eyes? 

The Pathway of Existence: A Throwback

I don’t exactly remember, when was it that I first felt the magical rays of LOVE that awakened my soul and carried me with it to the highest gardens for never to return. I don’t remember how I first learned to worship the shrine inside my bosom.  I don’t remember what had made me search for the secrets that DIVINE hides under its covers. But, I clearly remember what I felt when this Flame ruptured my chest to slice my heart and exposed me to the abundance of its mysteries and the grandness of its majesty. 

I remember how LOVE had suddenly appeared in my life like a spring after a harsh winter spell and sprouted my lifeless branches with affluence of foliage. Love’s coming had turned me to the contemplation. I started to flip through the books to seek for those who had felt what I was feeling. I started to search the holy scripts to know what Pious say about what I was experiencing. Yet, I was lost and awakened at the same time. I was, suddenly, a diviner and a sinner in a single soul. This ambiguity of my thoughts and the ambivalence of my feelings seemed more painful than the pain of a half pierced heart. 

Then, My Beloved, came you to my rescue like the Ark to Noah’s floods. You came to me in no less mysterious ways than Issa to Mariam’s womb. You uncovered to me the wonders of covert. You disclosed to me the secrets of hidden that I had been searching in the scriptures of God.  You made me discern the mysterious mysteries of LOVE. You became the center of my sphere around which my soul was orbiting like earth around the sun. All at once, the search was no less peaceful than watching brooks dancing under the silver rays of moon. 

How I wished the Path of Existence were as smooth as your first kiss between my eyes, as blissful as your first song to my essence. But, when was Eve allowed to stay happily ever after in the garden. The Fall is inevitable. I had to be departed from the Paradise to find my way back. With this Fall, I understood that to seek is no less a Sin than to eat the Forbidden Fruit, and I had already eaten it. 

Now the Course of my existence was being altered and the harshness of my voyage had begun. This spiritual affinity was ripping me off, but I was gratified with its torment and enchanted with its torture. Irrespective of its bitterness, the journey seemed heavenly. The taste of its every lash and the pleasure of its every wound deserved a silent reverence. With every thrashing, I was being elevated to holy of holies. With every lashing, I was being exposed to the mystery of mysteries. I was being unchained from the Laws of humanity. 

There was something in this Sin that was purer than the purity of prayers, higher than the heights of Minars, and deeper than the depths of Ganges. There was something in this bearing that was taking me closer to the DIVINE. I has started to know what I had not known before, to feel what I had not felt before, and to see what I had not seen before. The fear of Laws had started to fade away and the departure from the heaven was no more painful, as I was being exalted to the gardens higher than the skies. 

The sacredness of the Sin was revealing itself naked in front of me and I was getting dissolved in its charm and purged by its gaze. It was the awareness that only a sliced heart can fathom. Those whom love has not killed will never understand what it means to die, those whose wings love has not pruned will never understand what it means to fly. 

I am the Chosen one, Love has chosen me and now, I see no more fears of rules nor am I bothered by the false codes. I have been cleansed with every tear falling from my eyes. I have been freed from the sense of shame and grace. All that is left of me knows the grace of Love. All that is left in me knows the obedience to esteemed. All that is left in me stands unashamed before the divinity of Beloved. 

Those who don’t understand the divinity in this sin are still deceased with the disgrace of being. Love has refined me and I am seeking it to the farthest of skies, to the freedom of frees, to the eternal of eternities. I have discerned that to seek is not to reach the destiny but to walk the Path of Existence. 

Love Speaks

Walking through the trails of this life, I had reached a point where deep inside a visible loneliness I smelled a mysterious solitude. Betwixt an unconcealed silence and a veiled emptiness rang the cacophony of confusion that pierced through the skin. This dissonance so bared my senses that no matter how hard I tried, I stumbled to touch the harmony whirling inside these illusions. 

I asked, “What is this place that I have reached, where my free-self is struggling to endure my burdened-self? What is this place, where my essence is battling between the twilight of my dreams and the rattling of undesired codes? What is this place, where the eyes are yearning to chain my mind in order to satisfy their craving authority? The place, where my patience and compassion is turning against me, where the world demands my life and denies me a choice? This place, where my soul sobs inside me and tears wet my cheeks injuring my heart?”

While I was looking at my soul weeping, sprouted the voice of the Love and drenched the sores. I looked at the Love through my pain soaked eyes and queried, “Why does my heart whine for no fault of mine? Why has it become too big a sin to seek divine?”

The love replied, “You are brought to this place, because you shunned 'their' teaching and returned 'their' words, because you denied to be imprisoned in the confine of their self-righteousness, because you dared enjoy the freedom of God’s beauty. In this place, you are castigated and your only courageous sin is that you dared interpret your thoughts without the professed holy instruction. You are censured, because the love that has awakened your soul has disgraced 'their' sacred conceptions.”

The love conversed, “But don’t submit, don’t give up; rise and lead again to the path you chose. Shine and announce the glory of your soul. Recall the kiss of grace on your forehead and turn the tears on your cheeks to the drops of caress. Trust and know that soul will meet even if the bodies separate.”

Hearing the Love speak, I unruffled my essence and rose. Like a tree, I buried my roots in the earth, stayed un-moved, to let the foliage ballets in the air and the buds sprout to divine. I traded the loneliness of my heart with the divine solitude beyond the solitude, for I understood that

 “Grand is my Love and Small they are”.