To the lost Love 

Dad,I miss you so much sometimes that it feels like my chest will collapse. It’s been a few months since you left, but there hasn't been a day when I haven’t thought of you, just to text you or call you, to talk to you or tell you about something. No matter what I’m doing, I am constantly aware of your absence. No morning dawns or evening falls when I don’t think of you. I am still not able to fathom the reality that you are gone; I had never imagined that there would be a day when I'd be living without you. It is not easy to move on with life when the person you loved so dearly isn’t there. It feels like you've left too soon, there are still so many things I wish I had said or did, but I think I just thought we had forever. If I get a chance, I wish I could put my arms around you and hug you.

I feel this huge emptiness in my heart that no one can ever fill or fix. Not time, not a person, nothing. It’ll always be there because you aren’t here anymore. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad, but this grief I can’t get over. It’s something that will walk beside me every day. It’s an unimaginable pain to get accustomed to. My only comfort is that I know you loved me with everything you had and I know that you fought the hardest battles. I’m so proud of you dad. I hope I’ll do the same. 

Last hours

 I remember when I was lying next to your bed during your final hours, sitting with you, holding your hand, helplessly watching my role model fall in his last battle. Beside your bed, I whispered, dad, you go, I’ll take it from here, you goin peace.  I knew that's what you wanted. And you closed your eyes. I stayed with you, slept next to you, laid down to die beside you. You looked like you were sleeping and my heart was exploding with pain. 

Although I am grateful that you didn’t have to linger long and suffer the way I know so many people do in cancer, but it really dosen't lessen the agony of having you leave.

Your departure was heart aching for so many reasons. I knew i could not pick up the phone and call you any more. There won’t be another vacation that we would share. There won't be a place where I could go to get a hug from You or hear you say how much you love me. I felt as though a piece of me was leaving with you, and I know it really is gone.

I keep trying to tell myself that life is short and we will be together again, but I do not feel any comfort in knowing that. I even know that you are in a better place but that doesn’t lighten the dark loneliness.  

Everyone says that We'll get over you with time, but  it feels like I will never.  you haven’t gone. You’re still here, you’re still alive.  It feels you continue to beat through my heart, You are everywhere , you have transformed , and I’ll see you again. That feels so comforting and right that I don't want to get over you. ( I will not ) Love you forever dad ❤️😭