Last hours

 I remember when I was lying next to your bed during your final hours, sitting with you, holding your hand, helplessly watching my role model fall in his last battle. Beside your bed, I whispered, dad, you go, I’ll take it from here, you goin peace.  I knew that's what you wanted. And you closed your eyes. I stayed with you, slept next to you, laid down to die beside you. You looked like you were sleeping and my heart was exploding with pain. 

Although I am grateful that you didn’t have to linger long and suffer the way I know so many people do in cancer, but it really dosen't lessen the agony of having you leave.

Your departure was heart aching for so many reasons. I knew i could not pick up the phone and call you any more. There won’t be another vacation that we would share. There won't be a place where I could go to get a hug from You or hear you say how much you love me. I felt as though a piece of me was leaving with you, and I know it really is gone.

I keep trying to tell myself that life is short and we will be together again, but I do not feel any comfort in knowing that. I even know that you are in a better place but that doesn’t lighten the dark loneliness.  

Everyone says that We'll get over you with time, but  it feels like I will never.  you haven’t gone. You’re still here, you’re still alive.  It feels you continue to beat through my heart, You are everywhere , you have transformed , and I’ll see you again. That feels so comforting and right that I don't want to get over you. ( I will not ) Love you forever dad ❤️😭